


The Perks Of Being Straight

by vulgardream



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, i honestly don't know how this even came to me, poor attempt at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 21:03:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulgardream/pseuds/vulgardream
Summary: Chanyeol tests out fanfiction stereotypes. Baekhyun helps.





	The Perks Of Being Straight

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this was so random, that I'm even surprised I finished it. It's a bad crack with porn added somewhere along the way and I didn't mean to offense anyone. If I did, I am sorry. Sorry for any typos. Tested by wonderful Dani from perfexoxotion.tumblr.com, she was really supportive and it helped me a lot, since I'm not a native speaker, so I'm super grateful for that.

It’s eleven p.m. when Chanyeol returns from his job.

The night is warm and pretty and he’s happy, because nights like these rarely happen and because he knows that when he comes home, there’s a bed and beer waiting for him. After a day spent alternately dying and questioning the reasons why he’s still alive, he wants to rest more than anything.

Chanyeol works as a cashier at the local comic shop, because every fanfic Chanyeol ever, works either as a CEO, or at some fancy, low paying hipster job that miraculously manages to cover his living expanses, there is no in between. 

Of course, it wouldn’t be an authentic fanfiction, if this Chanyeol hasn’t had some ridiculously hot psychotic flatmates. Like Joonmyun, Jongdae, Sehun, Jongin and Baekhyun, in this case. Of course that Chanyeol is fully aware of their homosexual tendencies, but at the beginning of their friendship, he decided to become as stupid and oblivious as possible, for the amusement and frustration of every person who’s reading this. So, approximately, zero. He doesn’t think that Joonmyun fingering Jongdae every other night in the bathroom is something he should be shocked by. Boys and their games, right?

When he’s pulling off his shoes by the door, he can already hear the friendly, flirtatious (?) bickering from the living room. He’s wondering who stole whose dildo now. Again, completely heterosexual. Straight boys experiment sometimes. Sometimes as in numerous times a year, especially on Halloween. Boys and their toys, right?

What he finds in the living room upon walking into it, isn’t something he completely expects, but also not something he’s surprised by. When he sees naked Jongdae bent over the coffee table with blindfold covering his eyes and jerking off while an equally naked Joonmyun recites a poem out of one of Allen Ginsberg’s books, he just shrugs and goes into the kitchen to fetch his beer. The poem isn’t even officially published, they probably printed the book themselves. He’s not that shocked, he understands Jongdae’s passion for vulgar poetry and he’s not one to kinkshame anyone, since he likes his enema from time to time, too. So what.

“Hey guys,” he murmurs, returning to stand in the door of the kitchen, with a perfect view of Joonmyun’s ass. He has a buttplug. Chanyeol takes a sip.

“...your sword stuck throbbing in me. Hi, how was work today?” Jongdae moans in the background after hearing the verse and Chanyeol absentmindedly thinks that maybe, he just came all over the coffee table. He guesses it wouldn’t be the first and definitely not the last time he did. 

“Oh, you know, the usual. I’m a little tired.”

“Yeah... good thing you have a day off tomorrow, right?”

“Exactly,” he nods with a small smile and takes another sip while Joonmyun materializes a black leather whip out of thin air and smacks Jongdae’s ass with it. So, he hasn’t come yet.

“You’re such a fucking slut,” barks Joonmyun and Jongdae just mumbles incoherently at that. “I think you should get some sleep, Chanyeol. You look kinda exhausted. Others are already asleep,” he continues when he turns to look at him with a sweet smile. Chanyeol coos, because Joonmyun is so nice and caring. His head snaps in Jongdae’s direction again and he whips him harder. “Don’t even think about moving, bitch.”

“Yeah, thanks, hyung.”

So Chanyeol takes himself and his can of beer to the door of his room. The fact that he has a room for himself is a mystery alone, considering how low is his income. But, this is a fanfiction, so facts don’t really matter anyway. Accompanied by various sounds of moaning and squelching, he opens the door and steps inside, leaving the noises behind.

The lights are surprisingly on, the room surprisingly isn’t quiet and his bed surprisingly isn’t empty. Well, it’s not that surprising. There, on his Ikea bedsheets, is splayed Baekhyun, his another, obviously heterosexual experimenting friend and flatmate. He’s naked and his surprising erection is constantly disappearing in his fist. His eyes are closed and his mouth is open and he’s panting, because a jerk off session is the best fucking thing in the world, apparently.

“Oh my goodness, I totally wasn’t expecting this!” squeaks Chanyeol out in a typical fanfiction character fashion that somehow manages to convince readers that this situation really wasn’t planned. With a palm on his heart and all that breathless jazz.

“Hello, Chanyeol,” says Baekhyun when he opens his eyes. His hand doesn’t stop moving. “I absolutely wasn’t jerking off on your bed because I wanted you to fuck me right when you come back from work.”

“That didn’t even cross my mind. You ended up naked and masturbating by an accident, right?” he asks, concerned.

“Of course. I tripped.” Baekhyun’s look trained on him paired with his hand still around his cock isn’t becoming creepy at all, because Chanyeol is starting to feel unreasonably hot. That makes sense more than him calling the cops for sexual harassment. “Wanna join and maybe fuck me the way I absolutely love it even though you never fucked me before?”

“I dreamed about applying my limited heterosexual practices on you for a long time, even though I’ve been straight all my life.”

With that, he begins to undress and finds himself completely hard, because it’s normal for an average young man to get hard in three seconds while talking to a boy who’s jerking off and doesn’t invade his wet dreams at all. He doesn’t waste any more time and covers Baekhyun’s hairless, milky, soft, feminine, slender, godlike unrealistic body with his big and masculine one. Oh the stereotypical contrast! Baekhyun moans out at the contact of their skin and pulls a bottle of lube from underneath Chanyeol’s pillow.

“Where did that come from?” he asks, unaware of having it there.

“It’s a fanfiction. These always just appear somehow. Don’t worry about it and finger me even though you were just touching a can of beer and didn’t wash your hands.”

“Oh, I intend to. By the way, we’re really fucking good at the dirty talk.”

“I fully support that opinion.”

With that, Chanyeol slicks his finger up and circles Baekhyun’s entrance with it, the smaller boy not even flinching at the coldness of the gel, because he’s so out of it he doesn’t even feel it. Chanyeol’s just that good. The finger slips inside and Baekhyun throws his head back and moans. Chanyeol must be a natural talent at this. Of course he is. It’s Chanyeol. 

Soon enough, he’s three fingers in, because apparently, assholes work the same way as vaginas and Chanyeol managed to make the impossible possible. Baekhyun is moaning like there is no tomorrow and like Chanyeol fingering him is the best thing that has ever happened to him. Well, apparently, he hasn’t eaten the new Ben & Jerry’s ice cream yet.

„Is this okay?“

„Of course it is, Chanyeol,“ says Baekhyun, because no fanfic Baekhyun ever says no, so why should this one? „Just fuck me already. I swear it won’t fuck up our friendship because sex can never make anything worse, right?“

„Yeah, of course you’re right. I would know, because I’ve never had sex with one of my friends.“

„Then go ahead. You don’t need to use a condom, I keep track of who you sleep with so I’m sure you’re clean.“

Chanyeol is pretty sure he had Chlamydia the last time he checked, but he’s not about to argue with Baekhyun. Baekhyun is always right. Especially when he wants Chanyeol’s dick. And maybe the rest of him attached to it. A guy can dream.

Without further comments, Chanyeol slides inside, and, unsurprisingly, it’s tighter than any girl he‘s ever been with. A whole new universe explodes in Chanyeol’s brain and he can’t believe how blind he has been all this time. How could he miss the way Baekhyun always seemed to hang around him at the weirdest times? Like when he was making breakfast for all of them every morning and Chanyeol’s plate always looked the nicest, or when he knocked on the door of the bathroom to ask when would Chanyeol finish taking a dump. Of course! It was in front of his eyes the whole time! These were Baekhyun’s attempts at seducing him! Well, Chanyeol might not be the sharpest pencil in the shed, but at least he’s attractive.

He laughs dumbly into the crook of Baekhyun’s neck and speeds his thrusts up. The boy underneath him is moaning and trashing and Chanyeol thinks that he should probably do something normal, like maybe giving him a hickey because it’s so romantic to bruise someone as an act of ownership. It doesn’t remind him of animal behavior in any way.

„I’m gonna come,“ Baekhyun pants and a few poorly aimed thrusts and one slobbery attempt at a hickey is enough for him to come untouched. Of course. After a total of a two and a half minutes of fucking. Chanyeol is a sex god. 

„Jesus, I’m –„ then Chanyeol cuts off because the sensation of Baekhyun’s ass doing absolutely nothing is too much for him and he comes with a hygienic grace inside Baekhyun, who can feel it, of course, and it almost makes him hard again because the feeling of someone releasing their bodily fluids into your own body is so fucking erotic.

When Chanyeol rolls over and falls next to Baekhyun, the silence isn’t awkward at all. How could it be, after two straight (until now) friends fucked? It’s a completely normal and common thing happening on every day basis, after all. Every friendship is able to survive this. And sometimes, in most cases, it makes the friendship even stronger! 

„Oh my god, that was the best three minutes in my life,“ Baekhyun breathes out, absolutely blown away by Chanyeol’s mad skills. 

„Yeah,“ he grins and cuddles into Baekhyun’s side. „Did I hurt you?“

Baekhyun turns to lay on his side and stares fondly into Chanyeol’s eyes. The moment is as tender as Baekhyun’s fingers brushing away a strand of Chanyeol’s damp hair and the smile that follows perfectly the curve of his pinkpinkpink lips.

“Not at all. I take massive dicks in the ass all the time. I’m used to it, don’t worry." His hand slides down and cups Chanyeol’s cheek, and Chanyeol covers it with his own, returning the smile.

“That’s good to hear.”

“We should probably sleep now, you look tired.”

“Yeah, this was really exhausting.”

And so the two (not so) straight friends (?) fall asleep in each other’s arms and stay that way all night, because of course it’s possible. It’s a fanfiction. Everything is possible. Except for Sehun and Jongin to be left unscarred, because the shit they heard through the wall that night is something neither they, neither their plushies, will be able to forget about.


End file.
